Tuesday, 8 February 2011

A plea for my plums

“Ha ha, you’re going to get kicked in the nuts!” ejaculated my darling wife, totally out of the blue.

This alarming claim didn’t shock me quite as much as you might think it would, you see my testicles have been on my mind quite a bit of late. I know that might not be news to anyone who has ever been a man, been in a relationship with a man, or even seen a photo of a man, but there have recently been ominous omens pointing to the he fact that genital discourtesy’s may be a routine part of fatherhood.

Like most men I learnt at an early age to do whatever it takes to avoid any harm coming to my plums, and if memory serves me (and believe me, getting hit in the cags for first time isn’t the sort of thing one forgets) I was was running along holding a long stick in front of me and horribly misjudged the flatness of the path in front of me...

Over the years I have also learned the hard way how easily harm can come to my cobblers, and I’ve learned things like not jump onto my bicycle seat too fast, to make sure my feet don’t slip off the pedals when cycling down steep hills and to avoid the biggest threat to childhood genitalia (for those of us growing up in the 1970s and 80s) the gear lever on the crossbar of a Raleigh Chopper. But not all threats to my ahem, ‘productivity’ have been bike related; I learned at a very early stage in our relationship never to ask Em to throw me anything. Ever. Being a bassist also has its risks, but I won’t trouble you with them now, I don’t want you to think I’m obsessed by my testicles or anything...

So you’re getting the idea here - I’ve spent thirty four years trying to protect two friends who are very dear to me, and I thought I was getting a pretty good handle on the threats there are out there (and there are many), I hadn’t ever considered that my own flesh and blood might be the cause of plum pulverisation. But two of the parenting books I’ve read in preparation for this baby (‘Parenting made difficult’ by Phil Hogan, and ‘Punk Rock Dad’ by Pennywise frontman Jim Lindberg) both warn against parenting related gonad pouch punishment. I was particularly alarmed by the mention of getting a kick in the nuts in the Punk Rock Dad book because I’m only a few pages in so far. I assume the urgency in which Mr.Lindberg mentions his kids accidentally striking his stuff means it’s a very real and serious threat!

So a pedant might argue that now Em is pregnant my plums have played their part, but until a doctor takes them in hand and gives me the snip I’d really rather avoid the need to have them exposed in a medical environment thank you very much!


  1. They're totally right dude, and the worst thing is you can't just be all "ow my balls". It's all "Oh! Hey! Be careful of daddy's, uh, lap"

  2. When the big day arrives when you decide to have the snip, just think on this. As you lay on your back, counting the cracks in the ceiling, while unidentifiable in sensitives, dressed in green and waring masks and talking about football, (considering what they are doing the mention of balls might make me a little insensitive)Remember that you are doing it to protect your dear wife from going through the undignified trauma of childbirth.

  3. Liam regularly hits, kicks, and punches my nads. He also likes to stick his fingers up my nose when I'm asleep and try to poke my brain. Children are designed to kill their parents.